|
|
|
"A
Christian Response to Divorce" Sherry
was married at sixteen and is now the mother of two children under twelve.
Abandoned by her husband, she must work outside the home for the first time.
She is hurt, financially strapped, depressed, overworked and desperately needs
help. "I
hate divorce…" (Malachi 2:16) is God's response to divorce. But I
constantly find it necessary to remind the people who attend our divorce
recovery workshops: "God hates divorce, but still loves divorced
people!" That message needs to be heard. The price for marital breakup is
always high. John's
wife left him after 11 years of marriage and took the two children to another
state. He cannot see them but once every few months when he makes the thousand
mile drive. He is angry with her, with the system, and even God for allowing
this to happen. The
statistics are cold and clear. ·
Fifty percent of those who marry today will divorce. ·
On the stress scale, divorce and separation are ranked 2nd
and 3rd. Only the death of a spouse is rated higher. ·
More than 80 percent of those who are divorced will remarry
within three years and 65 percent of those marriages will fail again. ·
More than a million children each year are involved in
divorce and more than 13 million children under 18 live with one parent so that
single parent families are growing at a rate twenty times faster than two
parent families. Phyllis
was trapped for 24 years with an alcoholic and abusive husband. She struggled
for years trying to decide what to do. Years ago, she went to her pastor who
advised her to "stick with it." Now she is divorced, estranged from
the church and doesn't know how to get on with her life. Divorce
profoundly effects children, in-laws, friends, businesses, churches and even
society itself. The stories of tragedy are numerous. The pain is real. What
should be our response? A
recent Gallup poll seems to indicate that people who experience divorce often
draw closer to God by praying and reading the Bible more frequently. However,
the same poll also found that those who are separated and divorced feel
alienated from their church. The common complaint is that churches are focusing
on the needs of intact families and ignoring the divorced. So
many divorced people find a stronger faith in God, yet so few belong to the
church. Look at your own church. Of those who have experienced divorce, how
many are still active? As a divorced and remarried pastor, I have seen this to
be tragically realistic for two reasons. 1.
We have simply not learned how to offer ministry to those
going through the emotional, financial and physical pain of divorce. 2.
Those experiencing divorce often mistakenly assume the
church will only judge them and therefore avoid any contact with their church
family. The
Gallup poll goes on to say, "From
the standpoint of the church, divorced people are an intriguing and challenging
group to try to serve. Their lack of church involvement may make them appear to
be alienated or hostile to religion in general. But their private religious
practices -- frequent Bible reading, regular religious television and radio
exposure and dedication to prayer -- show that they are far from being a lost
cause." With
so many people experiencing divorce… isn't there something we can do to help? 1. Offer
Forgiving Love!
When someone dies, we know what to do. It is one of our rituals.
We visit, send cards and bring food. There is a visitation where everyone has a
chance to say good-bye and finally a funeral service where the deceased is remembered
and the family is comforted. When
a couple separates we really do not know what to do. There is no ritual. We don't
visit for fear of taking sides. Divorced people receive few cards and little
food. There is no visitation or funeral. There is only silence and our silence
condemns us! During
my divorce, a neighbor came over and quietly listened while I talked, cried,
yelled and talked some more. I don't remember his words, but I will never
forget his presence. The children and I received phone calls, food, offers to baby-sit
and most of all prayers. It's often the simplest gestures that offer the most
reassurance. We can extend our forgiving love. 2. Offer
Understanding Patience! Most experts list four basic stages of recovery for divorce: ·
Survival: There are more
responsibilities but less income: more demands but less energy. The pace is
often frantic and filled with the anxieties of learning to cope. One person
must now fix the car, balance the checkbook, do the laundry and prepare the
meals. ·
Grief: A precious
relationship has died and divorced people must grieve. We can't sleep. We lose
weight. It is often difficult to concentrate. An old song on the radio often
brings tears. ·
Identity: This is also
known as the crazy stage. It could be as subtle as redecorating the house to
buying a new car, jumping out of an airplane, going back to school or diving
into a new relationship. It can be an exciting but dangerous time of discovery. ·
Directions: We are becoming
more comfortable with who we are as single adults and beginning to think about our
future. All
of these stages take time and it is so important for us to be patient and ready
to offer help. 3. Offer
Continuing Guidance! Divorce is clearly a sin against God and the sacred
covenant of marriage, but it is not
an unforgivable sin. Your church has
a unique opportunity to become a source of healing and encouragement for the
separated and divorced. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery workshops each
year. I don't completely understand why the workshops work so well, but I am
certain God is wonderfully present amidst the stories of intense loneliness and
suffering providing comfort, strength and much needed hope for the future. Jesus
said to the crowd: "If you had one
hundred sheep, and one of them strayed away and was lost in the wilderness,
wouldn't you leave the ninety-nine others to go and search for the lost one
until you found it? And then you would joyfully carry it home on your
shoulders. When you arrived, you would call together your friends and neighbors
to rejoice with you because your lost sheep was found. In the same way, heaven
will be happier over one lost sinner who returns to God than over ninety-nine
others who are righteous and haven't strayed away!" (Luke
15:4-7) Like sheep lost in the wilderness, the divorced among us need to know about the loving God who is willing to go out and actively search for them and will joyfully celebrate when they are found. Whew... I just finished compiling two booklets including "Reaching the One" and a new one titled "A Divorce Recovery Ministry." "Reaching the One" the booklet is full of practical articles full of suggestions on how a church can begin a singles ministry. The video is being examined and improved so this booklet alone is now only $6. (Sold Out: Sorry) "Divorce Recovery" includes a Divorce Recovery workbook by Doug Morphis and lots of articles that you will find very helpful. I will be using it to teach my own divorce recovery class. Also only $6 Just email me for information at LarryDavies@SowingSeedsofFaith.com Read my own story of divorce recovery? Ashes to Soap
|