1. Offer Forgiving Love! When someone dies, we know what to do. It is one of our rituals. We visit, send cards and bring food. There is a visitation where everyone has a chance to say good-bye and finally a funeral service where the deceased is remembered and the family is comforted.

When a couple separates we really do not know what to do. There is no ritual. We don't visit for fear of taking sides. Divorced people receive few cards and little food. There is no visitation or funeral. There is only silence and our silence condemns us!

During my divorce, a neighbor came over and quietly listened while I talked, cried, yelled and talked some more. I don't remember his words, but I will never forget his presence. The children and I received phone calls, food, offers to baby-sit and most of all prayers. It's often the simplest gestures that offer the most reassurance. We can extend our forgiving love.

• Survival: There are more responsibilities but less income: more demands but less energy. The pace is often frantic and filled with the anxieties of learning to cope. One person must now fix the car, balance the checkbook, do the laundry and prepare the meals.
• Grief: A precious relationship has died and divorced people must grieve. We can't sleep. We lose weight. It is often difficult to concentrate. An old song on the radio often brings tears.
• Identity: This is also known as the crazy stage. It could be as subtle as redecorating the house to buying a new car, jumping out of an airplane, going back to school or diving into a new relationship. It can be an exciting but dangerous time of discovery.
• Directions: We are becoming more comfortable with who we are as single adults and beginning to think about our future.

All of these stages take time and it is so important for us to be patient and ready to offer help.

3. Offer Continuing Guidance! Divorce is clearly a sin against God and the sacred covenant of marriage, but it is not an unforgivable sin. Your church has a unique opportunity to become a source of healing and encouragement for the separated and divorced. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery workshops each year. I don't completely understand why the workshops work so well, but I am certain God is wonderfully present amidst the stories of intense loneliness and suffering providing comfort, strength and much needed hope for the future.

Jesus said to the crowd: "If you had one hundred sheep, and one of them strayed away and was lost in the wilderness, wouldn't you leave the ninety-nine others to go and search for the lost one until you found it? And then you would joyfully carry it home on your shoulders. When you arrived, you would call together your friends and neighbors to rejoice with you because your lost sheep was found. In the same way, heaven will be happier over one lost sinner who returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven't strayed away!" (Luke 15:4-7)

Like sheep lost in the wilderness, the divorced among us need to know about the loving God who is willing to go out and actively search for them and will joyfully celebrate when they are found.

Do you know anyone who has experienced divorce? Show them this web page and offer your help.

To read my divorce story, Ashes to Soap - click here

Last modified Sept. 30, 2000.