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“Divorce:
When It Strikes Your Pastor” “Pastor
Kills Wife and Himself!” was the shocking headline of a newspaper article. “A
pastor fatally shot his estranged wife yesterday before turning the gun on
himself, authorities said.” The article mentioned frequent arguments and
the pastor’s unwillingness to accept the divorce. I noticed one comment by a
church member: “They were such good people. I don’t know what went
wrong.” No
one is immune to the tragedy of marital distress and divorce… not even the men
and women who devote their livelihood to serving God. The same pastor who is
depended upon to provide God’s loving grace during a crisis often has no place
to turn when the family experiencing calamity is his/her own. This is especially
true when the predicament involves separation or divorce. I know! I’ve been
there! “I’m
leaving you. I don’t like this town or this life and I don’t love you!” The
conversation took longer but it was what she meant. Within a few days, my wife
of fifteen years had packed her clothes, half of our furniture and many of our
memories in a borrowed pickup truck and moved away to start over. Left behind
were two crying children, an emotionally wrecked husband and a confused church
community. So
many questions come to mind during an experience like this and I remember asking
them all. “Why is she leaving me? Am I really that hard to live with? How
will I care for my children? Will she come back? What if I lost weight? What if
I changed my attitude? Oh Lord… why me?” I
also had to deal with questions about my career. “How can I stand in front
of my congregation and admit being a failure? Will they let me continue as their
pastor? Do I even want to continue? Is this what God had in mind when I changed
careers to serve the church? Again, Oh Lord… why me?” A
Newsweek article states: “In recent years the divorce rate for
protestant clergy has risen to match the general population.” In other
words, clergy and their families are not immune to the human tragedies that
infect us all. The Bible explicitly describes how pastors should treat their
families: “You must manage your own family well, with children who respect
and obey you. For if you cannot manage your own household, how can you take care
of God’s church?” (1 Timothy 3:4-5) Good question! Keith
Madsen examines the problem in: Fallen Images: Experiencing Divorce in the
Ministry. “One view is that a minister cannot show any major flaw or
failure. The minister has to project the image of a person who has been strong
enough to resist the evils with which others struggle.” Perfection is an
impossible image to live up to and attempts can lead to serious trouble. Divorce
explodes the perfect pastoral image. In addition to the excruciating personal
pain of a marital break-up there is also the public humiliation of having your
leadership abilities challenged before the church and community. So clergy
divorce becomes a dual tragedy, personally and professionally, causing severe
emotional damage to the pastor and his/her family. What
about the former husband or wife of a pastor? Because most ministers live in
church housing the spouse is always forced to move. What happens to the
children? Where do they go? Who do they turn too? The church that was once a
source of emotional and financial support is now unavailable. And
the news gets worse… clergy divorce also divides the church. Some members will
rally around the pastor offering sympathy and encouragement. Others will demand
an investigation and maybe a resignation. Most church members will quietly
grieve for the family. Some will say, “I told you so!” Meanwhile,
much of the ministry and work of the church grinds to a screeching halt. God
says it best, “For I hate divorce…” (Malachi 2:16) What should the church do? Consider clergy divorce a private matter and quietly offer family counseling? Should church authorities automatically require divorcing pastors to resign? Next
week I’ll try to give you reasonable and Biblical answers. Meanwhile, let your
pastor know how much you love him or her and offer support and prayers. They
really need it. Don’t we all. Are you... or do you know a pastor who has been divorced. Share the story by clicking here and sending an email. |