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“Mary: A Story of Abuse"

Conclusion

Abuse comes in many disguises: emotional, physical and sexual. Mary was a victim and her letter last week revealed how her husband took advantage of insecurities and through mental and physical abuse controlled her every moment. Mary’s only conversation with God came while considering diving down the stairwell to end it all. As she sat on those steps, Mary cried out to God, “What have I done so bad that I deserve to be punished like this?”

Her letter continues: “One July, Bob was diagnosed with throat cancer and had to undergo six weeks of radiation treatments. During this time I began to understand him better. I realized that his fear of being alone was what made him degrade me so much. He knew how to manipulate my mind and that gave him a security he needed. Bob had me convinced, I was lucky to have him. So, why leave when I didn’t deserve any better?”

“Never once was Bob’s cancer called terminal. He just couldn’t deal with life anymore. He had a heart attack and died three days later. But the abuse didn’t stop there. During weak moments of self-doubt, I could still hear his voice and the negative comments.”

A woman interviewed by columnist Bob Greene said: “I’m alive but I’m not the same person and I probably never will be. I can function and I can have a good time and I can sleep through the night now. I think it’s asking too much to expect that I’ll ever be exactly the way I was before, though. I’ve read that some women blame themselves, I never did that but I think I’ll always be different.”

What makes Mary’s letter unique is a willingness to change and accept help. She writes: “I promised my mother during her final days of fighting cancer, I would go back to church. Shortly after her death, I fulfilled my promise, went to church and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Later that year, I strengthened my commitment with God on a spiritual retreat. It was an awesome 12 months but I still could not stop hearing my husband’s voice.”

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Victims of abuse experience a variety of symptoms: overeating, sexual dysfunction, self-destruction issues, various addictions, anxiety, self-condemnation and depression. Dr. Gary Collins a Christian Psychologist writes: “All this may seem far removed from the ministry of the local church. Throughout the Bible, however, there is an emphasis on helping the sojourner, the orphan, the widow, the poor, the helpless and those who are in need. Surely, no person is more powerless than the victim of abuse. The follower of Jesus Christ has a responsibility to give help.”

“On the fourteenth anniversary of Bob’s death, I was attending a Single’s retreat in the mountains. One of the speakers talked about forgiveness. ‘There are three steps,’ he said: ‘Forgive, do good and expect nothing in return.’ As he continued, I realized, I’d never forgiven Bob for the abuse. ‘How could I?’ I said to myself: ‘he’s not even here to acknowledge my forgiveness?’”

Dr. Collins describes four overlapping stages toward recovery: Stage 1 is ‘impact’ which describes the initial shock, disbelief, anxiety and fear. Stage 2 is ‘denial’ when the victim tries to push aside the trauma. Stage 3 is ‘process’ when the experience can no longer be suppressed. Stage 4 is ‘integration’ when the victim no longer feels controlled by the effects of the abuse.

Mary writes: “God used that speaker to touch my heart and release a weight I carried for fourteen years and never knew. During lunch, I went to a stone cross on the retreat grounds to release the burdens I carried so long. As I sat and cried out to daddy, the one earthly person whose love I never doubted, I also began talking to my Heavenly Father, whose love I will never doubt again.”

Mary found freedom and a new life within a support group and a loving God. “I finally realized God’s love always has been and always will be mine. I left the cross that day with a new freedom. Through God’s grace, love and patience, I’ve learned: Who I am is good enough for anyone!”

Are you a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse? Are you an abuser? There is help available that requires hard work and emotional struggle. Most counselors recommend an extensive recovery process involving counseling, support from a caring group and God. The more God is involved in the counseling process, the quicker you will heal. This is where your church can be helpful. Pick up the phone right now and call your pastor to ask for help.

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Last modified April 13, 2007.

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